Note to self: Try not to be a little shit.

 

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I write this with SPZRKT- Blind man playing in the background, a mouthful of green tea, and with my 2 pound ginger and camomile Primark candle flickering in the hot air of my room. Not only does this candle smell of absolutely nothing, ( I initially started this introduction to set the scene) but as I’ve literally typed the previous sentence It has come to my realisation that I have stupidly aided the unbearable 25 degree heat in my room by lighting this candle an hour ago. 

 

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Warm virtual hugs to you all, and for those that are not fond of hugs, no matter how virtual they are-  a firm and understanding pat on the shoulder. I have never been the touchy type with my loved ones; to the extent that when they hug me I partially stiffen up and half pat them reassuringly on the small of their backs, mentally begging for them to let me loose. My parents only hug me when something big has gone on and I have had several occasions where I haven’t been affectionate or intimate with the guys that I have been seeing. I know this about myself and I’ve half understood it half not really cared. It’s just nice to know that those around me understand it and find it funny/interesting. However, recently because of this I consciously make efforts to try and hug my friends when they are sad and when they are happy, (I know it sounds like I am describing how to care for a pet). With the overall aim to be a bit more fluid with my affection and contact, and surprisingly It enables me on my best days to look directly in peoples’ eyes when talking without getting distracted.

Take it how you want to but this is my small example of seeing something that needed to be corrected and working on it. I didn’t have to, but I felt that I needed to. Many of us have traits that may not be our fault, these traits may be a result of the conditioning we received in the past or some inexplicable issues we witnessed once upon our lifetime. And quite frankly put, many of us have undesirable traits that we have forced upon ourselves. This goes out to the “I have low tolerance” or “I burn bridges so quickly” kind of people: Why are you gloating about these things? Surely, you would want to work on your tolerance and keep your mates no?

When you allow certain attributes to consume you whether it be anger, hate, jealousy, stubbornness: you are not showing yourself self-love. Self-love is loving yourself enough to be willing to change yourself into the most loveable version for yourself to love (if you get it). Self-love to me does not equate to Yoga and Veganism or chakras and crystals (although some people do associate it to these things). And at the best of times it is definitely not easy to change things such as stubbornness or pride, most of us never know where to begin other than mental “woosa”’s and “Lord please don’t let me kill so and so”.  Unfortunately, it’s more than this, It’s about facing yourselves and getting to the root of the issues, why are you like this? What triggers you and what causes you to exhibit this trait? I was always afraid of facing the fact that my small bursts of smouldering anger was ruining some vital connections I had made, and that my partially spiteful nature was ruining my ability to forgive wholeheartedly. I never wanted to know why I was like this or deal with why I was like this, I wanted the anger to wash over me and allow me to prove my point and not let go until I was right or the last one to speak. But trust me when this becomes a reason why a person you hold dear to you wants space you will wake up sooner or later. It was only once I realised what the root of the issue was and continuously worked (currently working also) on how to improve myself that I have learnt and am learning how to control these traits and put them in a box to dissect and disintegrate.

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Why protect shit? or say “this is how I am take it or leave it”?, I think that’ the cowards way out of dealing with a situation like this- accepting it. Not even trying to make a difference. I want to be loving, peaceful, level-headed, humble, honest, slow to anger, understanding and overall a good person, thriving spirit with great energy, for myself, which will inevitably be reflected to others. I want all of this for my peace of mind. Mental health is too fragile to harbour negative traits and energy in your head space. I accept that it may take long to achieve all of these things and I am ready for what may happen to my life if I acquire these traits quicker than we expected, even if I achieve 3 things out of that mini list I know I will be a better thinker and have less of a heavy chest on a daily basis.

Working on yourself is definitely about building on your personal strengths but it is also about acknowledging your less strong points and the things you can’t do that you want to be able to do. Accepting doesn’t equate to remaining stagnant and staying the same. We are meant to change that’s why I think we age every year. Don’t be that stubborn person that wants to remain stuck with the same shitty mentality that they treasured at age 19 when they are 25 because they want to “remain true to themselves”: Life will go on and we will leave you behind jare. Don’t be the one that gets left behind. Let go.

Much blessings, I pray for your love.

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