I don’t even know

Photo 22-02-2017, 09 34 38

08-03-17 / 22:47pm

I have been sitting (lying) in my bed most of the day. I had no breakfast, ate a roast dinner for lunch and whipped up a little fried rice extravaganza not too long ago (and there goes my no eating after 7 resolution). I wanted fruit but realised I gave the majority of my fruit to my hungover friend last night because I hadn’t touched it since I bought it and was sure that if I continue this way, I’d have to chuck it out. Now I want it. Typical. I felt like a bit of a loser for staying in doors all day when the dissertation proposal for two of my masters thesis’ (yes I’m required to do two dissertations) is due at the end of the month. I have been sitting on this blog post since January, I was going to post but like all the other times since November 29th- I just couldn’t be bothered. All of a sudden, this anxiety within me felt like anyone and everyone was watching me and for that sole reason, I didn’t want to post. I hate posting things when I’m still in the situation. I always like to post a blog post once I’m out of it, getting out or gaining speedy clarity on the situation. But to be honest, I’ve been in this rut since late December but since I just watched a triggering snapchat rant I’m going to post this old but timelessly relevant rant.

*

I thought I was so bad when I was younger. I had a belly piercing and like 10 ear piercings between the two of my ears. I used to stay after school and chill with my (then) boyfriend and then lie to my dad that I was doing work or something. I made so many really bad decisions and did some crazy things I thought I would never get back up from. I’m going to be 22 soon (cheers), and I am certainly not the girl I was when I was 15 (Thank Jehovah) but sometimes I don’t actually know if I’m really doing well for myself. Like, am I a better person than I was then? Yes, I know it looks like I’m doing okay but I don’t even know where I’m at in life. For this reason and the fact that I told myself that I would be 100% honest on my blog, I just didn’t post, on youtube, on here. I just didn’t have clarity or any willpower.

This Masters degree is hard. No really guys it is hard and I wish I did it part time over the course of two years. Don’t get me wrong, I love my course, I love sharing what I’ve learnt with others and I love my classmates. But as I am sitting here I have 7 deliveries to finish but also have to read for a seminar tomorrow and prepare for a presentation… and love isn’t going to accomplish that, unfortunately. I started this degree thinking I could have the creative mindset that I had for my English Lit Undergrad where I could work in bursts of random energy and still get my work done. Survive off of my natural ability as I have always done. But no, this is nothing like that, with this degree, I actually am required to work 7 days a week. There’s an online quiz worth 10% on Sunday, group meeting after lecture on Friday,           I have to finalise my disso question and remind myself what the hell ‘a set of viable research questions’ are before seeing my supervisor on Friday- because I haven’t done any dissertation-related work since I last saw him two Fridays ago. And since, “Sorry, I didn’t know you expected me to be in uni all day every day until 6pm, stay on top of my work, deadlines, presentations and be ahead of my thesis” isn’t an acceptable answer, I guess I’m up until 3am- again tomorrow. Amazing. And just a side note in advance- I’m definitely going to break the no eating after 7pm rule tomorrow AGAIN for the umpteenth time this year.

Photo 06-03-2017, 02 59 59

I thought that my business: KLB, would be a cruise. I didn’t even start to think about things such as delivery times and that packaging would take SO LONG. I am literally swamped in admin, stock, orders, social media management, the non-existent inventory list that I was even taught how to create in a lecture one time… the list is endless. People say “Oh, you should get someone to help you” as if it is that simple. In my mind, it made sense to start a business during university and although I love makeup, I love looking good, I love providing a service, I love my brand, I love the journey and my amazing customers, It’s so hard to balance it all. This degree and this business has made me work in a way that I have never worked before and it frightens me. Yes the makeup artistry business had me trekking across London for the past three years sometimes with 12+ hour days. But honestly, I could manage that, that was in my control, I could turn down a booking if I wanted to. Admittedly, it’s hard to apply that mentality here because I’m at a place in my life where I am pushing forward savagely because I don’t know which next move will be my breakthrough in all areas.

Looking back at it now, December up until early February has honestly been one of the lowest points of my life. You know when you are so low that in your lowness you know that you truly are very low (I actually laughed out loud typing that). What I mean by that is sometimes you can be low but you don’t know that you’re low until you get back up and feel much better and look back in retrospect. No, not this time guys- truly, as I was being low I was fully aware of my down-ness but couldn’t pull myself out of it. Even my skin lacked lustre. I started  breaking out and having severe allergic reactins on my skin and I don’t know if this makes me shallow but that made me even more upset. I didn’t want to go anywhere including university for close to 2 weeks, I avoided phone calls, slept for unwarranted periods of time… I was just so messy and I didn’t know whether this was me indulging in much needed rest and an act of self care and mental healing or if I was truly losing the plot and I was sinking. I was definitely sinking. I felt like I wasn’t going anywhere and to be honest I didn’t want to go anywhere.  I was constantly arguing with my ex (don’t ask), I was angry and hot-tempered, unmotivated, I was eating A LOT (My arms legit looked like chicken drumsticks in every picture taken of me), I kept on spending my hard-earned money on shit and I wasn’t seeking Gods face anymore. I’d like to think that I got out of that mess by gradually redefining my vision and shedding all the extra responsibilities I didn’t want to do at that moment in time. So yes although I had set up kbartistry.co.uk ; I did NOT want to do any bookings because that meant travelling to London and all the while feeling guilty about all the potential work I could be doing at university. It also meant that youtube- which was beginning to bug me because I felt inadequate on that aswell- had to stop. But some reflection, me-time, God-time and spending a considerable amount on my guilty pleasures (buying 20+ books at a time that had been sitting in my amazon basket for a while and will undoubtedly take me a year to read at this point) later, I guess I just kind of got back up.

I guess that’s the point of this post, although I am feeling overwhelmed. I always manage to get back up. I can be fine, the journey is essential, and I feel like I’ve grown so much as an individual over the past few months that is crucial to my potential altitude this year. If you are in any educational institution and feeling low- I feel for you right now and I pray that you find peace. But what I’ve learnt time and time again is that we can always get back up, we as humans are so scared of falling too far and set-backs but the real life experiences start from there, the real survival stories and testimonies start with a fall. Sitting down and really evaluating and getting to know who you are and what you wish to be is so hard. Learning about one’s self is challenging, that’s why we often overlook that part and would rather focus on what we want to be. But YOU right now is so important and is the first step in getting where you want to be mentally and every other way. I just wanted to talk, rant, and make myself giggle in this post.  I didn’t want to show that I’m imperfect because you already knew that. I just wanted to break the silence on here and ease into my writing again because I love this shit. (I’m so sorry that was so corny)

To be honest my friends, I don’t know exactly where I was really going with this post but It makes sense right now: and in the exact words of my dearest fellow postgraduate friend Tendai who randomly texted me yesterday after biting off all her acrylic nails within the solace of her room: I feel liberated.

-K

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