“I wake up dim-eyed in the morning.
Look into your peaceful resting face
And I want to make you,
a glass of freshly squeezed Orange juice.
– Unlike our fluctuating love”
I have decided to not let those that cannot see my amazingness to continue to milk it. I deserve to be loved with a love so filling that it aids in the process of being a better woman. I’ve witnessed that it is those that don’t want to change that constantly want to tell you what to do. Those that can’t control what you do, often make you feel worthless before milking you of your abilities at the same time. This is not love.
As of late, I have been feeling so problematic, almost as though my head is messed up beyond repair and I had to really shake myself out of that. Like everyone, we are all healing but anyone that makes me feel like an unsolvable mission is just not fit to embark on any journey with me. Someone that continuously jumps at the opportunity to list what they hate about you, what you do wrong, your flaws under the guise of love has not experienced love in its fullness at all. Funnily enough: one the most memorable display of love (whether it was romantic or unintentional) I received was love from a poet. It may have been his words and ability to convince honey to give up its sweetness. But one thing I grasped from the idea of love was his admiration of me, flaws and all. And it sounds cliché- cringe-worthy even- but I know get why loving and uplifting work hand in hand. His love was far from perfect and he had his odd days where his words would rain heavily on my mind and almost dampen my spirit. But his constant uplifting and awe gave me a taste of how delicious love should feel. I don’t even think about him in that way anymore but isn’t it interesting to see how much some one’s thoughts of you can make your skin tingle and your mind yield.
Love is not expressed through mind games, it is not making the person you love jealous, it is not stubborn and manipulative. If you choose to love or even feel like you are worthy of using that word you must be willing to uplift. Love does not constantly shift the blame, rather it looks within itself to be better first and foremost. Going above and beyond for those that continuously hurt you is not love sis. It is a sign that you are giving away too much of what you need, for someone who you think you need. If somebody loves you, they will show you this through their ability to do better. If they can’t do better, then you can, by moving on. Because often we confuse love with dependence and allow ourselves to be smothered by someone else’s neediness. I have always thought that conditional and unconditional love are just as much love as one another. Contrary to popular belief, I think that conditional love is fair. Conditional love is based on the premise that if Person A loves person B because of the conditions of which they know them to be in, they are allowed to fall out of love or reject love if these conditions change. These conditions needn’t be their status, it could be their mentality, they could be the most supportive, loving, wholesome person to you and that could be the thing that you love the most about them. The moment that changes and cannot be rectified, you can go. Fair, right? I like that idea- this is not stating that people can’t have their bad days but understandably, continuous seasons of darkness and rain is enough to make any flower lose its bloom.
Unconditional love is the supposed God Father of all loves. It is the notion that regardless of who the person you love turns into, what they do, how they do it; you will still love them. Scary. To be quite frank I don’t think everybody gets to love unconditionally, and not everybody wants to. I feel like conditional can develop into unconditional love with the right nurture. That is completely OKAY. Often our surroundings make us feel like we have to love our partners unconditionally when really and truly these can the potential seedlings of abuse and self-neglect. Giving so much of yourself without receiving the same can only result in you being half full. Love is intentional. It is not confusing. It serves and sustains a purpose.
For the first time in this spiralling journey of self-care, I have consciously realised that not every broken thing needs to be fixed. Sometimes self-care and love is actually leaving what is broken to be broken if it is wounding you too much to fix it. Prioritising what needs to be resolved, and what can stay as it is, is definitely a step towards defining the love that I deserve.