3am in forgiveness.

Getting to love myself enough to allow me to change has been one of my biggest challenges thus far. I am proud, stubborn, argumentative but most importantly, I am scared of change. I am self aware but the will to change is fleeting. These hard traits often set me back miles further than needed and conceal my softness inside. In reality I am longing to be loved with a love so sweet and equally soft that my heart aches thinking about it. There are caves and steep valleys within me that still exist unexplored by me or you. Looking at the footage of you in your purest state of happiness encourages me to be a better lover to myself and for you. Watching you sleep in a state of bliss next to me makes me want to emulate the level of selflessness you have shown towards me on this 2 and a half year roller coaster . Unlearning the ways that hurt and disappointment that have been etched into my identity from my youth has been nothing short of draining but the load lightens when i remind myself that it starts with self-love. And self love is messy, ¬†forgiving, spiralling, and heavy. It isn’t always the Eden that I was once comfortable seeing it as. I have realised that I do not love my life the way I want to because of my apprehensiveness and fear of trying to change but not succeeding. Thankfully, your imperfect love pushes me forward into the realm of identification, forgiveness and self-acceptance. It is a journey that is occasionally straightforward and sometimes spirals around and backwards. Sometimes it bruises other peoples perceptions of me in the process. It won’t be easy but it is most definitely rewarding to know that i can love from a vessel of self that is noticeably progressing into a higher state of self. My chest warms up to know that I can be loved at my best of this current moment. Unrivalled. To my lover, please don’t place a time limit my healing or change, lest we forget that the oak tree takes generations to grow but always stands tall for longer.

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