Those familiar with my SnatchedXo posts a few years back already know what it is with my relationship think pieces. For those that aren’t – welcome and be ready to catch your life and have the very edges of your existence snatched. As somebody with some type A personality traits, I am always thinking and making sense of my feelings, I find life easier to digest when I have reasoning or theories that back my logic or experiences. I think that is so important to be aware of our frequent thoughts and ways of reasoning with myself because I think that this is how to come face to face with our mentality and personality traits. Without further ado, the “theory” I am about to give you today is something I have personally battled with in the past and from the dilemma’s sent to me in the past- a few women battle with also. It’s called Bad B complex.
Bad B: (noun) A self-aware, confident and self-assured woman, who likes to enjoy life and live in her magic undisturbed.
Bad B complex is a state in which a woman, i.e. You, me (Bad Bs) are subject to a crossroad of self and identity. You’re independent, sassy, fun, opiniated and all woman. Now, boys- because they can’t just let a magical prospering girl be- approach you frequently. Your standards are kind of there- they don’t always have to be high- but they are most certainly there. One guy that you now regret charmed his way into your life and did all the right things… You go out for drinks dinner or whatever and communicate frequently, bottom line is that you are dating. You fancy the idea of him and we don’t know what he really feels because like all men he is a liar and cannot be honest with himself or his feelings. Nonetheless, what he feels is irrelevant in this story because we will never truly know. He does/says the right things and eventually at some point early on, you have the conversations about relationships, he ambiguously replies that he’s not into relationships or “we’ll just see where it goes”. (Which might I point out- does not mean anything at all and is not an acceptable answer because is always a difficult answer to truly understand which is why they say that.)
Where these scenarios go left, is where you say that you want the same although you truly feel different. You say the same knowing he has the ability to make you want one eventually and you will at some point want the complete opposite hoping to change his mind. We all know this story/have been on the brink of it or fully submerged in it. In fact to further add some realistic seasoning to this imagery: lets add a dash of “he says he doesn’t want a relationship but encourages all this relationship type shit in this situationship to further confuse me” – an action which I now count as an act of benefit fraud under the Law of Emotional Immaturity 2017. I will not go into the issues surrounding these type of situationships where people want different outcomes to dating, but stick together and ride it out until it ultimately fails. I won’t talk about the girls who say that she doesn’t want a relationship in order to keep him around even though SHE DOES. Rather, I am going to talk about the complex that some self- sufficient and seemingly self-assured women may become subject to in the beginning stages of dating, why you said you don’t want a relationship even though deep down you do: why you think that being in or wanting a relationship compromises your identity.
So you’re young and self-sufficient in most aspects and you either like men but don’t see them as a necessity or you are open to the idea of a relationship with the right* guy. Because you are so used to being an individual and having your own shit, you find it hard to commit to a guy enough to even entertain the idea of a relationship. In fear that this will water you down and make you seem weak. I’ve been there- avoiding relationships (although I kind of wanted one) because something about being someone girlfriend made me feel weak and not independent. You may feel like a relationship will compromise your identity and falling in love make you look soggy (like a used wet wipe.) You find it hard to come to terms with letting people know you are in a relationship because it may compromise how seriously you are taken. This isn’t unheard off because since forever, women have been subject to oppression under the patriarchal rule and seen as subordinate when compared to their male counterparts. We have been given rules that limit how far we go and what we can enjoy; our bodies are used as objects of pleasure and not appreciated as vessels and creators of life. So somewhere along the line, we equated love to weakness and men as a threat to individualism. Love is viewed as something that is something we have to fall into and forfeit power for, because somewhere along the line somebody made love wrongfully mistranslate into complete submission of identity, rights and dignity and so on.
This is bad b complex, the inability to accept the idea of a relationship /being in love because you think it compromises your authority and strength as a single woman. There are sick males out there that will make you feel needy for wanting a relationship, love, and commitment- further playing on the bad b complex and using it to their advantage by making you content with receiving none of the above. Truth is some will manipulate you into thinking that you shouldn’t want a relationship and that love is weak and they can use this to make you feel like you are “doing too much” by wanting to discuss what direction your 6+ month relations are heading in.
My response to this complex is very straightforward. From experience- any affair you have with a man that doesn’t seem to have a direction is a waste of time and you are not weak or less of yourself if you get into a committed relationship. This is partially why it is widely encouraged for people to have an identity and be self-aware before entering relationships. Knowing who you are, what you like, your talents and skills, believing in your self and abilities and your unique characteristics will stop you from viewing a relationship as a compromise of identity. Basically, believing in your sauce and slay from the onset will help you to view a relationship and commitment as an addition to your life and not become your life. I could never see myself not being my amazing self within my relationship 1) because I have too many amazing things going for me right now to see myself as weak or like my relationship is overshadowing me 2) because well my partner makes me feel strong and amazing (and celebrates my personal accomplishments too which helps).
My second answer is to make sure that the relationship you are entering is healthy. Unhealthy relationships can suck the life out of you, make you feel inadequate and unworthy. Which are not feelings you should choose to experience when sharing YOUR time with another person? Your identity and sense of self-belief can be forfeited at the hands of a manipulative partner who wants you to be the inferior and submissive factor in the relationship. Thirdly- You can be a boss babe and an amazing girlfriend, and you are not weak if you want both. Being a girlfriend should not take over your life, goals, dreams, and achievements. If anything, I would even go so far to say that the two titles can co-exist separately – look at Beyonce, Serena Williams, Myleik Teele, Karla Barfield, Viola Davis etc- women who have perfected their craft and set new boundaries for their competition to reach AND are in committed relationships/married. You- like these amazing women- are worthy, deserving and allowed to experience love with an amazing person who compliments your identity and doesn’t veil it. You define you, your greatness and accomplishment’s define you! This post is not to convince you to want a relationship. But if the reason you aren’t moving forward in that sphere is that you feel as though your bad b’ness will be compromised, firstly look at what is making you feel like that- if it’s him- eliminate him. If it’s your self- consider why you feel like this, consider what you allow to define you and why- it may just be a case of Bad B complex.
Thrive and keep achieving.