My most recent notes on growth and navigating through life as a self aware budding entrepreneur.
So what’s new?
a summary of my last 5 months is that: I started gym, fell off, about to start again for the 4th time in 12 months, and moving locations so it should encourage me to actually go. I’d like to believe that I haven’t put on weight, I am happy. Still in love, even more so than before (drowning). My skin is great. I am actually developing into a better person and that’s that.
To put it as simply as possible, I have been allowing myself to exist around me. I am allowing myself to just be and transition uninterrupted. It’s almost as if I am stepping back and allowing myself to bear witness to my growth without interfering with it. Giving myself permission to feel how I need to. I don’t even know where to start with you all. I have been going through one of the most intentional and vulnerable seasons of my life to date and I am so full. My heart and mind are full that the thought of it makes me tear up. The amount of growth, change, acceptance and trying that I have experienced over the past 5 or so months is insane. I have been left face to face with myself at really low and dim moments and although it felt like hell while I was in it, what it has taught me about me, my life and vision has been absolutely priceless. I urge you all to allow yourselves to feel and experience. I learnt that I am a control freak, well, I knew this already but I saw that was controlling to the point where I controlled what I let myself feel and how much- thus limiting my growth. I have a very low pain threshold and low tolerance for anything that does not coincide with my plans (sounds so stuck up I know) so for someone like me, I don’t like surprises, but also I don’t like anticipated pain whether this be physical or emotional. This is such a problematic way to navigate through life and I am trying so hard to un learn it. Accepting the situations that come before me but refusing to inhabit any spaces or seasons that do not honour me for longer than I need to, is where I am at now.
This transition in my life is partly the reason why I haven’t been blogging or present with my businesses more than I need to be at the moment. I need to focus on Kemi, everything else I do is an extension of me, myself: so if my self is changing, my work and projects will change as a result by default. You have to be good to give your utmost best energy to your work. Before it was my masters’ degree as my focus and now it is me. Learning who Kemi is in this new stage in my life- out of education, deciding to work fulltime for the time being, having all my time to myself and deciding what o to with it has been challenging. I don’t react well to change so I found myself at my lowest self in January until early March. But by setting myself little goals and celebrating small wins, I managed to develop an attitude of gratitude and appreciation to life and God- and I am happy to say I am progressing well into my better self.
As people, (especially those that create and do things) when we are not in line with our vision and not making moves, hustling etc, it is easy to compare ourselves to anything else and feel worthless. When in reality we need to accept that not every spare moment in life should be used to make moves or hustle aimlessly. Just because you are not working it does not mean that you are not working, working on your SELF is the best type of work that you can do for your hustle because every hustle, talent or skill that you have is an extension of you. YOU need to be good. And in order to be good you have to go through some trying times. Even if some of these times don’t feel good- you are growing you are maturing, transitioning and as a result your work will too, your mind will to and everything else should start to transition also.
Allowing myself to let change happen in my mind and life has caused me to be inspired in a way I haven’t been before, I’m happier, more appreciative and confident. I “let” myself get a fulltime job although that was not really part of the plan before. Because I reluctantly decided it was best for me right now, my self-sabotaging thoughts made me believe that I had failed myself because I had always sworn up and down that I was going to be self-employed and fully submerged in my projects after uni. Then (and this is the beauty of self-awareness) I journaled one day and got to the real cause and reason behind this urge to be self-employed so soon and realised that I although I have ALWAYS wanted to be self-employed, I especially wanted it hastily straight after Uni not because it was the right thing to but because 1) I didn’t know where I wanted to work (2) I didn’t have confidence in myself, I didn’t think I’d get a good job. So my plan was rooted from a place of fear not of passion. I mean of course I’m passionate about my businesses but realistically, regardless of how popular they are and how much they are growing- they are not in a place where I should pursue it full-time because I’M not in a place where I can pursue it fulltime- mentally, financially, spiritually etc. I was FEARFUL of life after my masters because I didn’t think I would get a job I liked and because my first business (makeup artistry) stemmed 4 years ago from me not being able to get a retail job during university and although It and I have blossomed so much, the root was showing up in an ugly way. The rejections from those jobs all those years ago created an insecurity in my abilities that have had a lasting effect on me. And I didn’t realise this until I dug deep. I now see that I needed to be rejected from those jobs all those years ago because God wanted me to use my skills to make money during that time, build my brand and set a foundation in this industry. It was God’s plan. My lesson from this is to always operate and make decisions from a place of faith, confidence and hope as opposed to fear because right now I am sitting here typing this entire post at my “good” job feeling somewhat content.
Its so funny that I thought once I start working in a corporate environment, that my businesses would slow down as a direct result but right now it’s the complete opposite, I even have more bookings and clients than before. I thought that I would have no time to work on my projects and I hadn’t planned for this to happen (the control thing coming up again). when in reality this job has opened so many other doors and avenues for me that I would have never imagined and quite frankly, I wasn’t ready to be a fulltime self-employed mama yet. I had my plans to do my own thing straight after uni but God was like ‘nah’, and Life was like “too soon babe” you can do both for now hoe. In my mind working fulltime (for me), was a sign that I had changed the plan, and changing the plan equalled that I had failed- but that’s not even the case! It really was an example of me rushing to the goal and not leaving space for the journey.
I don’t know what the aim of this post is but all in all, I am letting life happen and it is making far greater things happen as a result. I am learning and witnessing that too much control isn’t good at all. Life is truly about balance, let, allow and accept in equal measures as you control, guard and pursue. I am letting my work and moves come from a place of intention, care and longevity as opposed to temporary validation, feigned consistency and lack of direction. Whatever you want to last a lifetime will need to grow in the womb for as long as it needs before it is born. That is why I am happy and confident in my blogging style, for now, consistency in writing is not my goal, mindfulness, honesty and writing my truth, is. I am happy to post a blogpost every 3 months if that is how long it takes for me to be ready to write and share what I am living and experiencing because I know that post is 100% me and my journey. Maybe in the future I may become consistent in my posting who knows? But for this season it is what it is, if my mind is ready to post weekly then I will and if that stops after 3 months then so be it. I am so confident in my journey that I no longer see taking my time as me falling off, because it is no longer that anymore- I don’t fall off, I have just learnt listen to myself. I am becoming more in tune with my seasons and know when to pause, break, stop and keep things to myself. I am happy to say that finally, right now my priorities are me and my businesses. More heat for your headtops coming real soon.
Love and life