Forward forward

a few (short) notes on healing, time, trust and willingly forfeiting control.

 

“I want you to read my work and think about it for some time. I want you to really get to know yourself on a deeper level. I want you to read yourself and do the work. I want you to seek help where you need it. I want you to grow. I want you to bloom. I want you to be whole and realise what you want for yourself.” – January 2018

 

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Life is just………………….

^ That’s how I feel. That’s what it is. Life is just a steady prolonged exhale for me right now. It feels like walking outside of your house and realising that it’s not sunny but it’s still warm. And the skies are grey. And you have a jacket on- not a coat- so you’re good but you don’t know how hot you’ll be when you walk down the road. It feels like uncertainty. It feels like that moment where you saved yourself after losing balance in the deep end of a pool, half shocked, choking and regaining your breath while questioning if you really thought you would drown. How could you drown? In here? With all these people around you – why were you scared? you were always good.

 

I am a natural control freak, I’m sure that I have mentioned this before. I am a planner and I like things to be organised- my way. I like to oversee everything in my life and find it hard to let go and let things be. I fear uncertainty, I can’t see the beauty in not knowing- it seems like instability and I am in an abusive relationship with the idea of security. It makes me think that I can predict outcomes, when things don’t go my way my spirit feels majorly unsettled. This puts me off starting new things or going for things out of my comfort zone, in my mind- if I can’t do it then 8/10 I won’t try. Because I would rather fail by not trying than try and fail. I become obsessive over things that don’t go my way. I try and fix it instantly for long periods of time. I write think pieces about said things, I meditate and rack my brain all day trying to solve issues that I have come to realise only time can solve. By willingly forfeiting control, I hope to allow better things to happen. I choose to let my mind rest and stop jumping 5 steps ahead all the time. I let people be people and show me who they truly are. I allow myself to put all my energy in the now.

I assume that I couldn’t understand the beauty of time and healing because I have always thought it was me. I feel like I control things in my life (which I do, to an extent) but don’t leave room for life, God and time. What can time do for an impatient person like me? Someone who decides when she wants to start something, gets plans off the ground by herself, creates beautiful things impromptu and is terribly (painfully) impatient. It’s also an issue with discipline. I want it I buy it, I don’t know how to say no to extra money which often equals extra (or too much) work. I do what I want when I want. Hungry? Food- always. I never have to wait without knowing the outcome or solving my issues instantly.

I am self-aware to a fault. I am hyper-aware of my flaws but not much else. I am still appreciating and learning about time, which is humorous because I work like I am running out of it. Maybe that’s what it is- I think that I am running out of time. I can’t control the future, so I have a detached relationship with it. I want everything now because tomorrow isn’t promised. Is this me working from a place of fear? Yes, it is. This year I have been exposed to my relationship with time. I don’t know why I am so aware of things, but this realization really puts things into perspective. There is an anxiety that comes with the thought of the unknown, I want to fast forward my life to December and see what’s going on!

What you do and appreciate now helps the future immensely, It’s almost like a savings account.

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The subject of healing has been on my spirit heavily recently. There are so many layers to healing and I am unfolding them as necessary. In my opinion there are a few significant roles to the healing process. There is the conscious you– the person that is working on doing things such as self-care, root work, meditation, expression, therapy, journaling etc frequently to help (and not speed up) the healing process. Someone like me who loves control must be careful not to be under the illusion that she is controlling the healing process- I am only in control of the things I do to aid my healing. And I mustn’t become obsessive with the idea of healing because then it becomes futile and I risk disrupting the second aid which is the subconscious. I believe that subconsciously, we are healing everyday. When we commit to living our lives better daily; when we nourish our mind, body and soul with the right things, materials and food – our bodies use that to heal us. I think of it as background work- almost like your laptop updating itself while you sleep, which links to the next significant factor – time. Time is the third aid that I must get my head around. These things happen over time. It can’t occur in one day- that’s why people say time is the best healer- because it allows the process to occur, in the period that it needs to. Time gives the wound the opportunity to close. Have you ever wondered why after a heated argument; days later you are more willing to talk calmly, apologize, hear the person out and fix things? This change of heart comes because you had time to reflect. Even if you didn’t reflect you had time to cool down, your emotions became more balanced, life happened as usual and you realized that you didn’t want to hold this anger anymore. Time allows us to release.

Choose to move forward regardless, even if your healing isn’t moving as fast as you.

Choose to let time do its thing. Do your bit and trust the process.

Trust that what will be will be and what ever cannot be, is making room for something better. Always.

I am hopeful for the next day, Unsure of the future, but doing the work I need to do now. The future will; meet me when it needs to.

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