Falling for you is like
to make my own decisions.
i don’t feel powerless to loves tide.
this love isn’t dragging
Nor overwhelming me,
it is rational, fits snugly.
better suits me-
Than all the lovers I wore before.
Practical and passionate,
this is pleasant.
who would have thought?
You allow me to decide to be here
And i’m grateful.
There is an unspoken balance between adoration and obsession. I hope you fall nearer to the former.
To me, a healthy relationship is one where there is freedom for each party to express their individuality. There will be the right amount of space and time apart; each person tries to express themselves well verbally, physically and emotionally. Each person strives to show up for their partner and themselves as their best self constantly. Trust is a fundamental for a healthy relationship also. When I hear the term healthy relationship, I visualise less controlling and more trusting; more compromising where necessary; compassion and understanding. For any relationship to work, there needs to be a mutual understanding that you are two different people from different walks of life, that have decided (and not been coerced or convinced) to respectfully walk together for a shared purpose, that purpose fundamentally being love at the very least.
Yet, it is easy to form unhealthy habits in relationships such as over dependency, obsessive behaviour, projecting, offloading, paranoia, controlling behaviour, dishonesty, secrecy etc. We see it all the time, those relationships where there is clearly one person overwhelming the other, controlling the situation and not allowing the other to flourish as an individual. I have noticed that these traits often come from a place of fear. Fear of abandonment, being hurt, being embarrassed etc. People overstep their boundaries and project their insecurities and fears onto the other which is understandable but ultimately unfair.
The resolution of this blog post is to let you know that you cannot control anybody other than yourself, people will always do what they want to do. That’s it. You can’t stop people from going to certain environments, talking to certain people, cheating, or doing whatever they want to do. They will do it anyway if that’s the direction their spirit sways towards. You have to learn how to let people land: let them be themselves and stop trying to micro-manage situations out of fear. If he’s going to step out of your relationship- he will. If you stop him from going to “that event” it will not change his character, you are just minimising his opportunity to make a mistake. You deserve a love built on trust and confidence. Its better you let people do what they want and show their true colours then subsequently see where you go from there, as opposed to stifling them and making them avoid scenarios. People try to apply masks to people that they don’t fully know yet, that is a selfish act and will only ultimately end in your disappointment. You can’t impose expectations in a relationship without first understanding the other person first. You may find that you are asking for things that they cannot deliver, and had you stop trying to turn them into someone they are not- you would have found out sooner. Would you appreciate someone that respects you enough to not hurt your feelings or someone that can only respect you when they under your watch and control? Insecurities are natural however projecting them and using them to control people is not fair.
Allow yourself to let go of fear and wholly see people for who they really are away from the immediate parameters of your relationship. Obviously, boundaries need to be discussed continuously and equally respected. If someone close to you keeps disrespecting you or making you feel uncomfortable with their actions etc, its either you communicate your reasoning effectively and leave it to them to either change of their own accord and because of their respect/love for you OR you cut ties if it can’t be resolved. But what you needn’t do is change them against their will. Control is fickle. People will do whatever their heart desires. Work towards nurturing relationships with people that respect you enough to honour you when you are there and not there, rather than trying to exercise control- it doesn’t work. And if it seems like it works- it’s only a matter of time before it implodes, and they show you their true selves eventually. You won’t need to control someone that is truly for you.
This post is dedicated to Perola, because she has been on my tits to post something new for almost a year.