In this amazing era of being intentional with our actions and time. Somewhere along the line, people have managed to confuse the notion of being intentional with getting things right the first time. Their slightly flawed thought process goes something like: “since I have visualised what I want; I am aware of what I want; I have done and I’m actively doing the work required to show up as my best self. Not to mention I have identified what is healthy and toxic for me- This means that I must get exactly what I want and require right now. as in this instant”. This is not only wrong and idealistic but its not feasible. Not possible. Never been done. Never heard of her. It doesn’t exist. This notion of expecting instant gratification and instant success in all aspects of our lives is at best unrealistic and at worst dangerous. Dangerous because it creates and unhealthy relationship with failure. Although we should think positively, this does not double up as expecting every experience in our lives’ to be positive.
Thinking positively (as hard as it is) requires practice and is impossible to do consistently 100% of the time. Allowing room for disappointment is allowing room to grow, learn and evolve as individuals. Life is not great all the time, we will not experience pleasant situations 24/7 it is just not possible. Thinking positively, is understanding this and finding (if not finding, being open to accepting) the positive in every rocky situation. I get so frustrated with myself when I realise how many of my fears and insecurities have come from ONE bad situation I went through in the past. Fear is natural but limiting yourself time and time again because of it is not fair on your future self.
Things as normal as dating, when I was relatively ready to date again, I would find myself distancing myself from good people because I feared investing time and being disappointed again. I knew that I was interested but this self-sabotaging act that I saw as protection or a defence mechanism was quite frankly f*cking shit up. I had to take a breather and reason with myself – Kemi are you ready? Perhaps. Are you Open? Yes. Are you willing to identify what is turning you off and do the work required alone to put yourself in better emotional standing? Yes. Are you still scared? Yes. But does it cripple you and make you self-sabotage? No, it no longer cripples me, but naturally from time to time I find myself self-sabotaging, but I rope myself back in eventually. The fear of wasting time, energy, and being disappointed is the centre of many of our regrets but we need to actively unlearn this because it can make up miss opportunities that are perfect for us.
Its almost as though we expect everything to be great first-time round. This is not possible, career wise, business wise or relationship wise. Its just not realistic. Why we can accept that our first time practising a new skill or working out at the gym won’t be great but not accept that our new relationships, existing friendships, new jobs, or business ideas/projects will be not so great at times is beyond my comprehension. We are not compassionate enough to ourselves and our efforts. There is no such thing as wasted time when you are trying to do something that brings you joy. If something constantly brings you pain and sadness, and you continuously over-invest into it then yes you are wasting your time and you should be kind enough to yourself to exit that situation and try another approach. However, if you are generally happy with a good situation, you know that it brings light into your life and it is good for you- you can enjoy it and nurture it for as long as you need to. If said “good thing” comes to an end whether natural or provoked: learn to not be harsh towards yourself.
So, what should you do if something doesn’t work out for you or go your way? Well first of all- do not shut down for a prolonged amount of time and become resentful/bitter. You are only running away from yourself and limiting the chances you have of bouncing back into something even better. We must accept that everything is in accordance with the divine plan for our lives and regardless – providing, that we show up for ourselves and find the energy to try again- we will get to our desired and glorious destination. Feel what you need to feel, gather your lessons and keep moving forward with compassion for yourself.
What do we gain from failed careers, bad job roles, disappointment, broken down relationships and disappointment in general? when we invest time and energy into something that does not quite work out? Lessons. Don’t roll your eyes. You really need to deep it and internalise this: almost EVERYTHING you want will not go the way you want it to. And that is none of your business. That’s the divine order of things. You gain valuable experience, lessons, growth and wisdom from failed situations as much as you do from successful situations. Sometimes we want and outcome that we mentally cannot handle. Things will mostly go the way they have to. For example, when I was 21 and I launched my Cosmetics line, I had a great year, then a slower year then a year of rebuilding. I had a vision of being on 6 figures by 25. During my slow year, I realised that the things I did in my first year of business didn’t necessarily work anymore and that I actively had to choose to manage my business alongside working full time if I wanted it to work. I had to rebuild my work ethic and business strategy, rebuilding work ethic is not something that is done overnight, and until I prioritised getting the work done, I wasn’t able to do so successfully. I used the disappointment of the slow year to educate myself on managing people and a business on a larger global scale in preparation for what is to come. You see, I still know I will get to the financial goals I have set, but the minor setback taught me to prioritise on building the business before financial goals. Once the business model is set and near enough infallible, income will be generated without question. If I was to receive a hefty investment when I was 22, I wouldn’t know how to invest and deploy it correctly, but the year of things not gong according to plan allowed me to educate myself to the point where now, at 24- I know exactly what I would do and how to create a substantial amount of profit, where to reinvest and how to scale my business effectively. I would not be able to handle the magnitude of my dream and vision had I reached instant success at 22. I know that for a fact. Most times, we are being prepared through our disappointment. Most times we are not thinking in accordance with what we have been put on earth to achieve. Most times we are thinking too small, and God is thinking, “that is not my plan for you, my plans are far greater”.
We are being taught valuable lessons through disappointment that we otherwise would not have learnt in any other situations. All that we are required to do when disappointed is try again, try a different method, re-strategize or take the L (Lesson). Through disappointment and failing, we learn:
-How we would do things differently next time.
-What we like and don’t like (developing your preference and thus developing as a self-aware individual)
-We learn our toxic traits and where we can improve as individuals
-How to manage our expectations whilst still aiming for the top
-How to develop persistence and how to re-strategize based on what went wrong
-What our personal boundaries are
-How to avoid making the same mistakes- we need to be making different mistakes each time this shows that we have learnt something
-Our strengths and weaknesses
-How to value and maintain our journeys
-We gain wisdom and a different perspective on things that we can share with others. I promise you that most of my most insightful think pieces that I share come from my experiences.
We read these stories about billionaires and well-established figures failing like 20 times before hitting the jackpot, repost them and fail to take the value in those stories. They failed. Sometimes miserably. They were persistent. We read this and still expect everything to be smooth sailing at our first attempt at things. Even though we prefer to read stories about people failing before succeeding because we resonate with them- we don’t want to be in the same position. Allow room for disappointment, don’t give yourself high blood pressure by focusing on the way YOU want things to go. Refuse to let failure, disappointment or even the pain that comes with disappointment to dishearten you from taking a chance to try again. Accept that with patience, persistence and a plan- every thing is working in your favour in the background. Things are changing for the better, remodelling and growing without your knowledge and in due time they will flourish to your surprise. There is no such thing as wasted time.